November 6th 2019
19 years. 168,000 hours. 10,080,000 minutes. and you think back to the time you've spent waiting for a better day, and you feel as though it's time that's been wasted. and when you think things might get better, when you allow yourself to feel what must be the biggest human burden (hope), you're left looking like the image of a fool. things don't get better, you simply become numb to your afflictions. but it never goes away. the portrait of your home is forever burned into the back of your mind, however far away it may be. and you wonder when the clock may stop ticking.
August 20th 2019
i think i've realized only now that life has no right answers. how's that saying go? 'the man who kills himself kills all men.' it seems to me that existence is futile. as far as a i'm concerned, the world ceases to exist when i do. and that idea begs the question of consequence; do any actions matter, then? does the effect of a cause matter when this whole world disappears the minute you do? i care less and less about my impact, my so-called "legacy" with every pain-staking breath i take in this life. who gives a shit, really?
August 13th 2019
i am always craving something more.
July 27th 2019
there are very few people on this earth that are worth anything at all, i've decided.
July 19th 2019
and once again i have fallen off the deep end. and once again the will to live escapes me. and once again i’m struck by the constant feeling of inevitability. the constant reminder that no matter what i do to be good and happy and ignorant, no matter what i change, all roads will lead me here. the fact is, i was given the burden of never belonging. everyone around me was carved up from stone. it seems everywhere i go i am face to face with another brick wall. i cant connect. i cant relate to any of you. i am nothing like you, and you are not to blame. these kinds of things are much bigger than what the human mind was meant to understand. i was doomed from the start. my soul was placed in this body as a miniscule, yet tragic mistake. and the introverted self-correction that marks the end of this story still lies blameless. if you remember anything, remember that.
June 7th 2019
nothing makes sense and therefore everything makes sense.
the more i continue to live in this timeline, the more i realize that i truly don't belong here. i am living a false reality, and all i can hope for is that these things will correct themselves. one day i’m going to wake up from this decades long nightmare. i will wake up in a different time, in a different life. i will see those i’ve missed and forgive and forget and be grateful and things will finally be right. i’ll be alive again.
June 2nd 2019
i fucking hate everything! fuck you all! fuck this body! fuck these zombies! fuck this life! i wasnt meant to be here (i really really really wasn't). i know that now. i know that now. i cant get rid of this pain in my throat, in my chest, in my soul, that feels like someone tearing out my insides . i just want to unexist.
cursed with life and the instinct to survive, but i'll win this battle against myself eventually.
May 21st 2019
insanity or awareness? have i reached a point where the two have come to seem synonymous?
i have had more trouble going to sleep at night as of lately. every time i lay down to go to bed i find myself thinking, thinking, thinking. thinking about that. death is not the right word for it. it is but it isn't. i don't know what i believe in, i don't know if there is a hell or a heaven, but i know i have to believe in something after life, i have to believe there is something more to existence than this rotten existence i've been offered. i have to believe in a higher power because if not then it means i truly am nothing more than this body, this meat and blood and bone. i feel beyond that. i understand now, that this cannot be all existence has to offer.
to think i used to be baffled by spirituality, by the idea of any sort of higher powers. i think my upbringing had a lot to do with that. i struggled with religious guilt and conflict as a child, my mother being the raging catholic that she was and my father being a no-nonsense atheist. how could religion be real, how could i give myself to an organized faith when the two people who raised me couldn't even agree on the topic? i was told to just go with the motions, do it for your family, try and try and try until you believe. but that's not how faith works, i've learned. things like racism, political beliefs, cultures can all be passed down ingrained into you, but faith is different. we all have a different spiritual journey because faith is not something you can force upon someone, only inspire. and i was uninspired by what i was seeing for a long time. as a child, it hadn't really occurred to me to look at spirituality outside of organized religion, and since i disliked what i saw, i figured i must not believe in anything. i denounced the unexplainable until it began to present itself to me.
April 27th 2019
sometimes i think back to how many farewell notes i've drafted up in the past. i wish i had kept them as a way to document those points in my life. how long have i been on this path? it took me a while to realize. things are so different now. what i thought i knew back then, what i'd die for back then, it means nothing compared to what i understand about existence and myself now.
it's hard being honest with myself, i've realized. it's hard being honest, even when no one is listening. the truth is hard. the truth hurts. when you put something into words, then it is real. the truth is a gruelling necessity.
April 9th 2019
it feels as though a fire is being lit inside of me.