realize you are being granted access to my personal thoughts and feelings.
momentary lapse in my judgement perhaps. it's as if for a moment there, i almost had myself convinced i could feel at peace with the world i'm living in. yet now it feels like i've woken from a trance, and i'm watching my life as it unfolds and falls apart before me.
wish i could see myself in all forms, in all points in time...to really see myself, everything i've done, capable of doing. i just can never seem to shake the feeling that i am meant for much more than this.
it all just has a twinge of bitterness to it. like it's doomed.
19 years, 2 months, and 19 fucking days. and you think back to the time you've spent waiting for a better world. and you can't help but feel as though its time that's been wasted. when you think things may get better, when you allow yourself to feel what must be the worst human burden, you're left an empty-handed fool.
the truth is that things don't fucking get easier for
people like you. you're shell gets thicker, the hole gets deeper the more you try and pretend it isn't there. but it never goes away. the image of home is always there, everpresent however far away. you wonder how long until the clock stops.
there will always be things in life (and beyond) that we cannot explain. there will always be an illusion, since illusions are, by definition, a lack of understanding.
close one eye, step to the side.
i think i've realized by now that life has no right or wrong answers. it doesn't matter, since it will all inevitably return to dust. how's that saying go? 'the man who kills himself kills all men.' it seems to me that existence is futile. we live, we die; in our current state of being, we have no say. we are only granted one ultimate choice. as far as i'm concerned, the world ceases to exist the minute i do. and that idea begs the question of consequence; do any actions matter, then? does the effect of a cause matter when this whole world disappears with you? i care less and less about my impact, my so-called "legacy" with every pain-staking breath i take in this life. who gives a shit, honestly?
i am always craving something more.
there are very few people on this earth that are worth anything at all, i've concluded.
once again, the will to live escapes me. once again i’m struck by the constant feeling of inevitability...of futility. the constant reminder that no matter what i do to be good and happy and ignorant, no matter what i change, all roads will lead me here. the fact is, i was just unlucky enough to bear the burden of never belonging. i can't connect with this world. it seems everywhere i go, i am face to face with another brick wall. cant connect...cant relate to a world full of people who all seem to be asleep. i don't feel as though i am a piece of this, and it's my belief that these kinds of things are much bigger than what the human mind was meant to comprehend. in the grand scheme of it all, you could look at this as a small, cosmological mistake. my souls displacement, the pain that has resided in me for so long, existing as an anomaly. the thing is...well, the thing about nature and evolution and the root of our entire fucking presence and existence is that it is always unpredictable and always unprejudiced...anything can happen, literally any event, which means that everything is happening. maybe as people, we only experience a very small part of the everything...but the thought of just having to live with that and never daring to look behind the obvious truths....i just feel as though i'm in a constant search for something more.
madness or awareness? have i reached a point where the two have come to seem synonymous?
i have had more trouble going to sleep at night as of lately. every time i lay down to go to bed i find myself thinking about that (death is not the right word for it... it is but it isn't). i don't know what i believe in, i don't know if there is a hell or a heaven, but i know i have to believe in something after life, i have to believe there is something more to existence than this rotten existence i've been offered. i have to believe in a higher power because if not then it means i truly am nothing more than this body, this meat and blood and bone. i feel beyond that. i understand now, that this cannot be all existence has to offer.
how long have i been on this path? it took me a while to realize. things are so different now. what i thought i knew back then...so different compared to what i understand about existence and myself now.
it's hard being honest with myself, i've realized. it's hard being honest, even when no one is listening. the truth is hard. the truth hurts. when you put something into words, then it is real. the truth is a gruelling necessity. and it's fucking tearing me apart.
i ask myself so many questions everyday. i question why i had to be put here on this earth...this world that just seems to cause me and others pain. why do i always seem to be unable to make myself or others happy? why am i forced to ask myself these questions, when there are people out there who have never had to question a thing in their life?
i crave love that exists without a performance. i crave understanding & intimacy...things we are told this world will give us (as long as we exist by their rules). what happens to me then, if i constantly find myself desiring things this world can never offer me?
it feels as though a fire is being lit inside of me.
people are strange. people are entitled, cruel, hypocritical. this existence is a lonely one. i know that those around me hate me in some shape or form. i feel the disappointment everyday, and it eats away at me like a fucking cancer. all i am to this world is dirt. i try to be a good, loving person, but some days, it takes so much out of me. by their standards, does that make me a liar? for deceiving, for trying to be good, as opposed to just intrinsically being good?