[031420] momentary lapse in my judgement, perhaps.
it's as if for a moment there, i almost had myself convinced i could feel at peace with the world i'm living in. yet now it feels like i've woken from a trance
and i'm watching my life as it unfolds and falls apart before me.

i wish i could see myself in all forms, in all points in time...
to really see myself, everything i've done, capable of doing.
i just can never seem to shake the feeling that i am meant for much more than this.
but it all just has a twinge of bitterness to it. like it's doomed.

[091119] there will always be things in life and the human experience that we cannot explain.
there will always bea lack of understanding. there will always exist an illusion.
there will always be a parallax.

[082019] i think i've realized by now that life has no right or wrong answers. it doesn't matter, since it will all inevitably return to dust.

how's that saying go? 'the man who kills himself kills all men.'
it seems to me that existence is futile; we live, we die, in our current state of being, we have no say. we are only granted one ultimate choice. as far as i'm concerned, the world ceases to exist the minute i do. and that idea begs the question of consequence; do any actions matter, then? does the effect of a cause matter when this whole world disappears with you? i care less and less about my impact, my so-called "legacy" with every pain-staking breath i take in this life. who gives a shit, honestly?

[071919] and once again, the will to live escapes me.
once again i’m struck by the constant feeling of inevitability...of futility.
the constant reminder that no matter what i do, no matter what i change, all roads will lead me here.
it seems everywhere i go, i am face to face with another brick wall.
i don't feel as though i am a piece of this, and it's my belief that these kinds of things are much bigger than what the human mind was meant to comprehend.
in the grand scheme of it all, you could look at this as a small, cosmological mistake. my souls displacement, the pain that has resided in me for so long, existing as an anomaly. the thing is...well, the thing about nature and evolution and the root of our entire fucking presence and existence is that it is always unpredictable and always unprejudiced...anything can happen, literally any event, which means that everything is happening. maybe as people, we only experience a very small part of the everything...but the thought of just having to live with that and never daring to look behind the obvious truths....i just feel as though i'm in a constant search for something more.

[040819] it feels as though a fire is being lit inside of me.